DNF$1,477 up for grabs for best joke posted.

[Bill Roy]

OK folks, I have a total of DNF$1,477 to be awarded to the poster of the best joke posted in this thread within the next 48 hours.

Two simple stipulations, it must be clean (that rules out most), and it must not say that I am the biggest joke in the thread! (I already know I am.)

Oh, and by the way, I am English so I have a strange sense of humour, at least according to every other nationality.

[tekz999]

The Manager
Y.M.C.A Hotel
London, England
Roma, 1 June 1971


Dear Signore Direttore

Now I am a-tella you a short story how I was-a-treated at your hotella.
I am a-comma from Roma as a tourist to London and stay as a younga Cristian man at your hotella.

When I comma in my room I see there is no shit in my bed - how can I sleep with no shit in my bed? So I calla down to receptione and tella: "I wanna shit". They tella me: "Go to toilet". I say:

"No, no. I wanna shit in my bed". They say: "You better not shit in your bed, you sonnowabltch". What is a sonnawabltch?

I go down for breakfast into ristorante. I order bacon and eggs and two pissis of toast. I getta only one piss of toast. I tella waitress and point on toast: "I wanna piss". She tella me: "Go to toilet". I say: "No, no I wanna piss on my plate". She then say to me: "You bloody hella not piss on the plate you sonnawabltch. What is this sonnawabltch?

Later I go for dinner in your ristorante. Spoon and knife is laid out, but not fock. I tella waitress: "I wanna fock", and she tella me: "Sure, everyone wanna fock". "No, no, you don't understand me. I wanna fock on the table". She tella me: "So you sonnawabltch wanna fock on the table. Get your azz out of here".

So I go to receptione and ask for bill. I no wanna stay in this hotella no more. When I have paid the billa the portier say to me: "Thank you and peace on you".

I say: "Piss on you too you sonnawabltch. I go back to Italy! I never comma stay in your hotella no more, you sonnawabltch!"


Sincerely,
Sperminelli Vermechenti

[Bill Roy]

Tekz, that is a very good start!

[Banned: theinvestor]

An English man, Irishman and a Scottishman are sitting in a pub full of people.


The Englishman says, "The pubs in England are the best. You can buy one drink and get a second one free".


Everyone in the pub agreed and gave a big cheer. The Scottishman says,"..yeah. That's quite good but in Scotland you can buy one drink and get another 2 for free."


Again, the crowd in the pub gave a big cheer. The Irish man says "Your two pubs are good, but they are not as good as the ones in Ireland.

In Ireland you can buy one pint, get another 3 for free and then get taken into the backroom for a shag"

The English says "WOW! Did that happen to you?" and the Irishman replies "No, but it happened to my sister."

[cooljeba]

Once this guy was traveling in train when suddenly a some terrorists climb on to the train and start asking people for money. Since they belonged to new generation 2.0 ver beta terrorist they were carrying an AIDS infected injection , instead of a gun.

They were scaring passengers on injection point. Give all your belongings else we will inject this and u will be infected too. So all people got scared and gave away their belongings.

But this guy was sitting in the last seat unaware of what happening around. These terrorist approach this guy and demand him to give his watch, gold chain and his diamond stud. But this guy refuses.. So they tell him.. This injection is infected with AIDS if we infect u will die a horrible death. You will get AIDS and die a painful death.
But this guy was determined and told him, no matter what I am not giving anything.
If you wanna inject it do it..

So they ask him if he already has AIDS . He says no.. I am perfectly normal and free from all disease.
They then warn him for one last time, he doesnt listen and inject him with the AIDS infected injection.

This guy starts laughing loud and rolls on the floor laughing. Terrorist are totally confused, whats wrong with this guy and they tell him.. We have really injected u with the virus now ur done!!!

The guy says.. Nothing can happen to me !! They ask why ?? He says " I am wearing a condom ".
All of them fainted!!


..:: peace ::..
Jeba

[Donald Aquilano]

This is right up your alley BILLBO...


Hillary's Deal With the Devil

Hillary was finishing up a day as Senator for New York when the Devil suddenly appeared in her office and made her an offer...

"I am here to offer you a deal," the Devil said. "I will give you unlimited wealth, even more power, and a media that will pander to your every whim. In return, all I ask for is your soul, the souls of every member of your family, and the souls of all your constituents."

Hillary pondered for a moment and then asked, "Unlimited wealth and power?"

"Absolutely unlimited," the Devil asserted.

"A pandering media?" she asked.

"They'll fall over themselves to support you, no matter what you say or do," the Devil assured.

"And you want my soul, my family's souls, and the souls of my constituents?" she asked.

"Yes. All of them," the Devil answered.

Hillary was deep in thought for a moment, then finally spoke:

"So...what's the catch?"

[mvl]

A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer.
After he finishes his pint he asks the bartender: "How much will that be?"
"For you ..." , the bartender answers, "... no charge!"

[HomerJ]

A man walks into a bar with a fish on his head

The bartender, looks up casually from polishing his wine glasses and asks, "What can I get you?"

the fish, in a slow raspy voice says, "waterrrr"

[Nova]

So what do you call it when a pregnant cow gives birth to many little baby cows?












Decaffeinated.

[Bill Roy]

This is brilliant!

This is the best and most successful thread I have ever run on here!

Now I may be a lousy domainer with lousy domains, but I have found my role on this forum now!

[stevo]

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde woman.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde gal with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

"Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,
"No... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

[Donald Aquilano]

This is one of the few Bush jokes I like.....

Bush, Einstein and Picasso at the Pearly Gates
Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells him, "You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths that some people will go to sneak into Heaven. Can you prove who you really are?"

Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?"

Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his theory of relativity.

Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really ARE Einstein!" he says. "Welcome to heaven!"

The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for credentials.
Picasso asks, "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?"
Saint Peter says, "Go ahead."

Picasso erases Einstein's equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk.

Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist you claim to be!" he says. "Come on in!"

Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head and says, "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove
yours?"

George W. looks bewildered and says, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?"
Saint Peter sighs and says, "Come on in, George."

[bgmv]

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected

A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce],
A 2 lb. can of coffee, and
A 1 lb. package of bacon

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.
She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "'cause you're ugly."

[NetworkMsia]

It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new
Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been
taught the old secrets, and when he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what
the weather was going to be.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the
winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village
should collect wood to be prepared.

But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He
went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is
the coming winter going to be cold?"

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed," the
Meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood
in order to be prepared.

One week later he called the National Weather Service again. Is it
going to be a very cold winter?" he asked.

"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be
a very cold winter."

The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every
scrap of wood they could find.

Two weeks later he called the National Weather Service again. "Are you
absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"

Absolutely," the man replied. "It looks like it's going to be one of the
coldest winters ever."

"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.

The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."

[cooljeba]

Bill Gates dies and is at the pearly gates talking with Saint Peter. Saint Peter says, "Bill, you've done some wonderful things in your life and have earned the right to choose where you'll spend the rest of eternity. You can choose between Heaven or Hell, but choose wisely."

Bill looks over Saint Peter's shoulder between the pearly gates and sees nothing but a lush green meadow. Deciding to heed Saint Peter's words, Bill asks if he could take a look at Hell. Saint Peter agrees and sends Bill to Hell. The Devil greets Bill at the gates of Hell and he is immediately taken aback. Much to his surprise, there's one heck of a party going on. People are dancing, the alcohol is flowing, music is non-stop and everyone is having a blast. Bill returns to Heaven to again discuss his decision with Saint Peter.

He again looks over Saint Peter's shoulder and sees only a lush green meadow. Bill says to Saint Peter, "I've put a lot of thought into this decision and it may sound foolish, but I'd like to spend the rest of eternity in Hell."

Saint Peter fulfills Bill's request and returns him to Hell. When Bill gets back to Hell there's been a big change. People are writhing in agony, flames are burning, moans of pain and despair are everywhere. Bill, being quite shocked at the sight asks the Devil, "What happened?? I was just down here a little while ago and everyone was having a great time!" The Devil says, "Oh that... That was just the demo version!"


__________________________________________________ __


Another one..

A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, ''If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull.''
The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, ''If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.''

The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, ''What if your dad was gay and your mom was a prostitute?!''

The kid smiles and says, ''I would be a bus driver!''


..:: peace ::..
Jeba

[INVIGOR]

BEST JOKE OF ALL TIME, CLEANED UP!

So I go down to the beach the other day and I see this guy fishing from a pier in a TUX! I decide I have to ask why he's fishing in a tux. He says "well, I'm on my honeymoon."

So I ask the obvious "why aren't you in your room consummating your marriage?" to which he replies, "ahh, my wife's got gonoRRHEA!"

"Oh my," I reply, as he casts out his reel.

So, I inquire a bit further and say, "well, why don't you 'flip' her over, you know 'the other side??'

"Nah, can't do that either. Gals got a bad case of diaRREAH" he says as he casts his reel out once again.

"Thats horrible! Truly horrible, but it is your honeymoon, why didn't you at least get a, well, you know, a hummer?"

"No can do partner," he says, "that ole' gal's also got a bad case of pyoRREAH" as he reels in his line.

I finally just have to ask, "WTF did you marry that nasty wrench for anyhow???"

As he casts his pole out as far as he can with the sound of the line casting he says "She's got WORMS too, and buddy I LOVE TO FISH!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

[draggar]

A bear walks into a bar and says:
"Hey bartender can I have.....
.....
.....
.....
.....
.....
.....
a beer?"

The bartender responds: "Why the big pause?"

*buh-dum-boom*

[Bill Roy]

OK, give me until tomorrow morning to sort this lot out and choose a winner.

I have really appreciated the laughs, hope others have as well, sometimes it is good to have a short break away from pure domaining.

[Keyboard Cowboy]

One day John looks out his window, only to see a full grown gorilla sitting in his apple tree eating his apples. John wants his apples to himself, so he decides to call the local gorilla catching service.

After a while the gorilla catcher shows up, and he's brought three things with him.

1) A net
2) A dog
3) A rifle

Pleased, John looks at him and asks for the game plan. The catcher begins to explain that he will attempt to climb the tree. When he's up there, the objective is to shake the tree as hard as he can, causing the big ape to fall flat on the ground. The second it hits the ground, the dog is special trained to immediately bite the gorilla in the balls, causing unimaginable pain. While it's lying there on the ground, twitching in agony, the catcher can easily climb down, and throw the net over the ape and it's caught.

John thinks to himself a bit, and goes: "But what do you need the rifle for?". The catcher goes: "Well, if the gorilla manages to shake ME down from the tree, hurry up and shoot the dog!"

[randomo]

Brevity is the soul of wit:

A Buddhist tells a hot dog vendor: "Make me one with everything."