Smoking helps you lose weight ... one lung at a time!

The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it.

A Spouse is someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single.

The reason men lie is because women ask so many questions.

If it's free, it's advice; If you pay for it, it's counselling.

The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of the oncoming train.

If your wife wants to learn to drive, don't stand in her way.

My Grandfather is eighty and still doesn't need glasses...He drinks straight out of the bottle.

Behind every great man, there is a surprised woman.

Getting caught is the mother of invention.

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"Buffet". A French word that means "Get up & get it yourself !"

My wife is so ugly... A cannibal took one look at her and ordered salad.

Sign seen in a bar: "Those drinking to forget please pay in advance."

Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone."