Brit Humour - Essex Hurricane

[Dale Hubbard]

ESSEX HURRICANE APPEAL

A major hurricane (Shazza) and earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter
scale hit Essex in the early hours of Friday with its epicentre in
Basildon.

Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "faaackinell".

The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of
damage.

Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa Del
Sol were damaged beyond repair.

Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed.

Many locals were woken well before their giros arrived.

Essex FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and
bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that
something interesting had happened in Basildon.

One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said "It
was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my
bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm slept
through it all. I was still shaking when I was watching Trisha the next
morning."

Apparently though, looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and
carried on as normal.

The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny
Delight to the area to help the stricken locals.

Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found
large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books,
jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.

HOW CAN YOU HELP?

This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those
unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster.

Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include:

-- Fila or Burberry baseball caps

-- Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)

-- Shell suits (female)

-- White sport socks

-- Rockport boots

-- Any other items usually sold in Primark.

Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.

Required foodstuffs include:

-- Microwave meals

-- Tins of baked beans

-- Ice cream

-- Cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew.

22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms

£2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9

£5 will pay for a packet of B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of
those affected.

**Breaking news**

Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry
alco-pop.

"Where are you bleeding from?" they asked. "ROMFORD" said the girl,
"Wossat gotta do wiv you?"

[maroulis]

HAHHAHAAHHA ...but I think UK residents will get this / I doubt for the rest

[khuldun]

Hmm... may be ill have to dig into some UK history books to get this one!

[paulc]

LOL... very funny..

[MrDude]

LMAO! I read this once before but makes me laugh with tears each time.

This is mainly reffering to people known as:
Chavs, Neds, Townies, Kevs, Charvers, Steeks, Spides, Bazzas, Yarcos, Ratboys, Kappa Slappers, Skangers, Scutters, Janners, Stigs, Scallies, Hood Rats, Scallies or what I reffer to them as "worthless waste of space idiots".

As hillarious as it is it has a sense of truth in the UK hehe (you yanks would be shocked)

[Dale Hubbard]

LOL MrDude. You definitely goddit dintcha? Geddit? We need more Essex jokes.

[dnbidder]

i live near romford

sooooo funny )))

[MrDude]

The UK is full of the dirty things..We are infested..More needs to be done about them than rats..They are actually a type of rats - Hood Rats

Everytime I go out they try and cause trouble with me and whoever im with normally because of the music I listen to(rock) or the way I dress..Bleh Im Proid and I love the idiots attention, It is hillarious to watch a drunken chav try attack you or even better, Insult you.

Classic Insult from a chav "Your gay" or should I say "ur ghey", They have no intelligence therefore they rely on you saying no, If you say yes they be quiet for 5 minutes while they think of another hillarious insult "your mums gay", As you could probably imagine everyone is in tears (sarcasm).

"ya mah's a fat slag"
"ya dah's a fat [swearing hehe]"

mah is the well ard way of saying mum/mother and dah is the same but for dad/father. (I wrote it how they say it, Yeah its that screwed up)...

Anyways me is bored and tired of slagging off chavs 'Innit' hehehe