The Man's Rules

**Donald Aquilano** · 04-06-2010, 04:53 PM

The Man's Rules

These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered '1 '
ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both..
If you already know the best way to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.... Really .

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as Football
or NASCAR.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;

**Tia Wood** · 04-06-2010, 05:37 PM

I took the liberty to help you guys out:

The Woman's Rules

These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered '1 '
ON PURPOSE!

1. Men SHOULD be mind readers.

1. Men shall be faced with saran wrap on said toilet seat should you not learn to put it back down.

1. Sunday sports is fine as long as it does not interfere with: church, shopping, birthdays, anniversarys, weddings, baby showers, holidays or our occasional urge to "spend time with you".

1. Crying works! If not, PMSing is fine.

1. Subtle hints do work because men ARE mind readers.

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. "muph" is not an answer.

1. Must listen to us whine on occasion about problems, social issues and wardrobe malfunctions.

1. Anything you say can be used against you in arguments, fights and spats. We forget nothing.

1. When answering the question "Do I look fat in this?", remember I recently obtained my gun permit.

1. If something you say makes us upset or sad, good luck with dinner tonight.

1. If we ask you to do something you should already know how we like it done. Men CAN read minds.

1. Whenever we have something to say, it needs to be in front of the tv with our hands on the hips and during whatever freakin time we want.

1. Christopher Columbus actually thought he landed in the Indies. Sorry, you still need directions.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, but that is still NOT an excuse to avoid laundry duty.

1. If it itches, we will drown it in baby powder and ask you to go to the bathroom during your next itch.

1. If you ask us what is wrong and we reply "nothing", good luck with dinner tonight.

1. If we ask a question we don't want an answer to, we would just ask during the game.

1. We won't ask what you are thinking unless we are versed in interpreting the language of "duh, drool and fart"

1. We don't have enough clothes.

1. We don't have enough shoes.

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, you're right. You will have to sleep on the couch tonight.

**Donald Aquilano** · 04-06-2010, 05:44 PM

lol

**Acro** · 04-06-2010, 05:47 PM

Two new additions to the periodic table of elements:

Element Name: WOMANIUM

Symbol: WO

Atomic Weight: (don't even go there)

Physical properties: Generally soft and round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze any time. Melts when treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.

Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity with gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Can become violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.

Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.

Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands!

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Element Name: MANIUM

Symbol: XY

Atomic Weight: (180 +/- 50)

Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample.
Due to rust, aging samples are unable to create electricity as easily as younger samples.

Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get.
Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with KD (Element: CHILDIUM) for prolonged periods of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.

Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good samples are able to produce large quantities on command.

Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.