Glasgow Games

[Dale Hubbard]

[FONT=&quot]As you know, Glasgow has won it's bid to host the Commonwealth Games in [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]2014.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]What you may not know is that many of the famous events which go to make[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]up this spectacular event, are to be especially altered for 2014.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]A copy of these changes has been leaked, and is reproduced below.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]OPENING CEREMONY[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]The flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of Ferguslie[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Park, in the traditional dress of balaclava and a Burberry shell suit. The[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]flame will be contained in a large overturned police van situated on the[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]roof of the stadium.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]THE EVENTS[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]In previous Commonwealth Games, Scotland's competitors have not been[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]eventshave been altered slightly to the advantage of local athletes.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]100 METRES SPRINT[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Competitors will have to hold a DVD player and microwave oven (one in each[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog will be released[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]110 METRES HURDLES[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]As above but with added obstacles (i.e. car bonnets, hedges, garden[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]fences, Walls etc)[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]HAMMER[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot](claw, sledge etc) the winner will be the one who can cause the most[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]physical damage within three attempts.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]FENCING[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]This event shall be sponsored by Cash Converters who shall also provide[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]the hardware. The contest itself shall be based outside Kebab shops in[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Baillieston, Riddrie, Drumpchapel, and Easterhouse....the winner shall be[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]the one who can leave A & E first.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]SHOOTING[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]A strong challenge is expected from local men in this event. The first[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]target will be a moving police van. In the second round, competitors will[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]aim at a post office clerk, bank teller or Securicor-style wages delivery[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]man.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]The traditional .22 rifle has been replaced in this event by a choice of[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]either a Browning automatic handgun or Sawn-off 12-bore shotgun.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]BOXING[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and will[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of lager[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]The bout will then commence.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]CYCLING TIME TRIALS[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Competitors will be asked to break into the Glasgow University bike shed[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy on his first[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]trip away from home. All against the clock.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]CYCLING PURSUIT[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]As above, but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Australian rugby team, who will witness the theft.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]MODERN PENTATHLON[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joyriding,[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]under-age drinking and arson.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]SWIMMING EVENTS[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]All waterways are currently being tested for toxicity levels, once one is[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]found that can support human life, swimming events will be organised,[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]please note that the Synchronised Swimming event for this year will [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]comprise of[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]dropping acid and watching all the funky ripples on the pool, the specific[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]musical support to this event will be provided by "Belle & Sebastian".[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]THE MARATHON[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]A safe route has yet to be decided.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]MEN'S 50KM WALK[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled, as the police cannot[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of Glasgow, [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]especially anyone[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]that appears to be mincing ...[/FONT]


[FONT=&quot]THE CLOSING CEREMONY[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the Govan[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Health in the Community anti-drug campaigners, synchronised rock throwing,[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]and music by the Dennistoun community choir. The flame will be[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]extinguished by police riot water cannon following inevitable pitch [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]invasion by[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]confused old firm fans.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]The stadium itself will then be boarded up before the local athletes break[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]into it and remove all the copper piping and the central heating boiler.[/FONT]

 

[jasdon11]

Ahh, fond memories of trips to Scotland are flooding back!

I like to go back every year or so to see if I can find my virginity.....never seen it since a trip to Inverness many moons ago!